I love you Cambodia, but...

Hello again!  It has been quite a while since I last posted, but I have felt for a while that there hasn't been anything that interesting to write about.  I mean, how many times can I write about the crazy traffic, the honking horns, the strange food, the wonderful people before it starts to sound like I am on a loop.  To be honest, it was getting a bit boring, and also started to feel a bit condescending to Cambodia.  I an not sure if you are aware of this, but Cambodia is not America.  Crazy, right?  But I think to a certain extent I was judging it based on what I knew of the Western world, and that isn't even remotely fair.  Cambodia is still being formed, still has some fairly substantial problems, and is still not a Western, first world country.  So I have felt that there was really nothing new to write about.  Until now.

I am homesick.  Really really terribly homesick.  I love Cambodia, but... There are a whole lot of buts.  I miss being able to get around independently.  Here I depend on tons of other people for my transportation.  I have my weekday morning driver who takes me to school, I have my Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday afternoon driver who takes me to volunteer, and then takes me home.  I have the many many random drivers who take me to meet friends for dinner, to the market, or the grocery store, or the gym.  I try and walk, but there are no sidewalks in this country, and the constant call of "Hey lady, moto?" is nearly driving me insane.  I miss being able to get in my car, put on whatever music I want, go whatever way I want, whenever I want.  Yes, I could get a moto here and have some independence, but I am honestly pretty terrified of driving here, and am quite sure I would seriously injure myself and others.  Yes, I do have a bike, and I ride it around, but many of the places I need to go are far, and at night I don't feel safe on the bike.

I miss my friends.  I have made some amazing friends here.  And many of those amazing friends have left and gone on to other places.  It feels like I am a military brat again, with the constant flow of people in and out of my life.  I am almost getting to the point where I really don't even want to meet new people, because they will inevitably leave.  Yes, people came in and out of my life back home, but many more stayed.  I miss having dinner with friends that we cooked at someone's house, which I can kinda do here, but not really, since I don't have an oven...

And on and on.  In case you didn't pick up on it, I am having a bit of a pity party here.  It started when I booked my ticket home.  I made the mistake of booking it 8 months in advance, and now I am left knowing I will be back in the US in 110 days, but wanting to be there now.  And I have pretty much planned my entire trip in my head.  On the way from the airport, I want to stop here and eat some of this, and then on this night I will have my welcome home party, and then on 7-11 I will gorge myself on free slurpees, and etc etc.  And none of my planning is helping me be less homesick.

So I will allow myself today to wallow.  Today I can be frustrated and annoyed by all the things that are different here.  The lack of order on the roads, the weird squiggle letters I can't understand, the strange and often nauseating smells.  Today that can bug the shit out of me.  But tomorrow, I will focus on what I do love about living here.  The smiles I see around me every day, my amazing and infuriating students, the delectable indian restaurant that delivers in 10 minutes.  I promise I will love you again tomorrow Cambodia, but today, you can suck it.